You got 4th place in a math competition. Your best friend got 1st. You are the duo at school that got on a national list. But my 1st thought was…. “I wish you got first”. My 1st emotion was … Not happy… Not proud… But a painful comparing my own kid. A shame that I would let myself comparing him. Though I stopped myself from revealing these thoughts to you I couldn’t help but realized you sensed them already. I have only me to blame. Not enough time to practice with you.
This is only beginning yet why do I felt like I’ve lost a war? I’ve sucked all my life as a person now I’m just as sucky as a mother. All the zen I practiced seems non-existent. I’ve been compared and failed all my life and I’m pushing it on you. Things that I can’t do are pushed on your tiny shoulder. I have much to learn and much to let go.
May peace be with me.