Competition

You got 4th place in a math competition. Your best friend got 1st. You are the duo at school that got on a national list. But my 1st thought was…. “I wish you got first”. My 1st emotion was … Not happy… Not proud… But a painful comparing my own kid. A shame that I would let myself comparing him. Though I stopped myself from revealing these thoughts to you I couldn’t help but realized you sensed them already. I have only me to blame. Not enough time to practice with you.

This is only beginning yet why do I felt like I’ve lost a war? I’ve sucked all my life as a person now I’m just as sucky as a mother. All the zen I practiced seems non-existent. I’ve been compared and failed all my life and I’m pushing it on you. Things that I can’t do are pushed on your tiny shoulder. I have much to learn and much to let go.

May peace be with me.

Happiness

Is going home and see Mom cooking in the kitchen. See Dad helping Mom. See kid playing in his own Lego world. An aroma of childhood foods warms the air.

“I’m home!” Mom would tell kid “momma is home early today!! Aren’t you happy kid?”. Kid would show me something cool he made or shower me with hugs and kisses. Dad always just laughed.

Is watching Mom complaining about stuff, asking a million of the same question a day “what do you want to eat?”and then just makes whatever she feels like, or reminding me not to waste money every second.

This paella pot of emotions, annoyed then humored, worried then relieved is tiring. Yet at the end of the day I can’t help but wanting more and needing more.

I wish this day could last forever. I wish time could freeze right now.

And then fear seeped in…

More

Everyday I want more. I want to work more. I want to learn more. I want to love you more. I want you to love me more.

Everyday I need more. More money for me, for my team, for you. More trust in me. More love in me.

And so at the end of everyday, there is no other way to cope with all this greed than to force some Zen into the mind. Accept my own insecurities and fears. Accept the temporariness of sadness or joy, of failure or success.

There are days I’m good at this game. There are days just suck.

There are days I just wish no more.

Finally

A moment to exhale

A weight lifted off

A calmness I almost forgot

A peaceful sleep waiting

How do I enjoy this moment?

While I’m afraid its ending

And tomorrow would repeat

This cycle of breath holding

Hello Moon

It’s nice to see you again, love. How are you? How is life? Still chasing the sun? Still loving the earth? Still pulling those tides? Still hiding that dark side? Still a friend of the unicorn? Or it has shed it’s horn?

Is it time already? Do you have to leave? Yes I know life must go on but

Can’t love stay the same?

Day 8

Cooking stinky foods. Enjoying some last moments of peace. Talked to Mom.

Mom rubbed off some Zen on me. I might have rubbed off some worries on her though she didn’t show it much. If I were her I’d probably act the same, stay cool on the outside yet make all kinds of plans on the inside to protect her little baby.

Watching some gruesome tv to put my life back into perspective.

One can’t decide to be born but I hit the jackpot jackpot being born in a place and time that, fortunately, can afford peace and dreams.

And so I’ll just keep dreaming.

Day 2

There are losses so sudden we thought they happened in nightmare. And there are ones we can see miles away, yet we thought we could pretend them away, stash them in the back of our mind. Till they become a real… very real and very unpleasant dream…. Then we would try to bury them deeper. A whole life of trying and burying…

I left your comfy arms more than 20 years ago. It was brave of you to let me go. You, or maybe dad, once told me about those first days. You went through my clothes, fold them then unfold them, and then fold them again. I was told that one time and never again. We were all hiding behind these masks of being strong for one another…

20 years past in a blink. We see each other once every few years. I am truly your kid and inherit all the introvertness from you. Phone calls are awkward with silence. But everytime I typed in that message window “hi Mom”… you would always be there, and you would always know what to say. Never white lies but the more gentle versions of the truth of life. And that was enough to push me through.

I am scared. That a day would come very soon that I would type in that message window “hi Mom”. And no one answers.

How I wish I can hug you right now…

Day 1

Dance like no one is there (indeed, no one was there)

Loud movie thru the night

Write

Day 1

First taste is the best one. But we wouldn’t know it from that first time. We didn’t know what it would feel like, we didn’t know what to expect. We might have had a completely different perception of what it should be or what it should feel like. Sometimes it felt like a relief, sometimes like breaking the rules, and sadly sometimes like guilt. We wouldn’t know what it truly feels like. Until it’s gone. Yet even then…

Then suddenly we got reminded of that first taste. At least a first in a long time. And it all rushed back. How sweet freedom once was. Maybe sweeter. Because we know now what we’ve lost. Maybe the sweetest. Because we know we would lose it again.

Sweet memories

You being with me

The days rose and the nights set

Movies half finished

Moon half shy

Lips

Almost touched

Desire

Could not hide

Love gently

Came

And left

Breaths escaped

And found

Roses nor violets

Keep their red or blue

Just me now with sweet

Memories of you