Procrastinating

Angel went to sleep. TV got turned on. Laptop opened. Work should soon follow.

A tea needed brewing. This show was getting funny. Should I get a little yoga in? My mind started wandering.

This cookie was delicious. Reminding me of you. The taste of marzipan. Memories so sweet, I baked and downed extra ones and twos.

Remember all the times we chased sakura? Now each has our own in the backyard. No need for chasing them like dreams. As they are real and will always be here standing.

You would be so proud of me. I make wonderful marzipan cookies, excellent lemon cello, and get high on whole long books on mushrooms and other naughty psychedelic things. The uppity me got a little looser, but none any tiny bit wiser.

Midnight came passing. Work is still waiting. Let my mind hug you again then I’m back to my procrastinating.

Simplicity

As complicated as dealing with that feeling of working so hard to the end of the day and one stupid catastrophic mistake casually presents itself.

As complicated as accepting that the sun rises then sets or the moon shines then fades, happiness is accepting that it comes and goes.

As complicated as hugging a little angel to sleep feels so sweet until that angel shows its demonic cries upon detecting any slightest attempts to break away.

As complicated as when life throws shit at you and somehow you need to make a steamy pie out of it.

As complicated as accepting that it is fine to hate every minute of a journey and absolutely enjoy whatever the end is because at least there is an end.

Happiness is as complicated as accepting that sadness and pain come and go, regardless of how long they may stay.

An end

‘Do you think we could make it? Be honest, do you?’

You asked me in the middle of a cold cold cold night. You were about to move on to a new life in a new place. He would stay here.

‘I did not think I would fall this deep. I even set a break up date with him when we started. But now…. What should I do?’

I could only hug you tight and wipe your tears making room for more tears to fall.

Then I said ‘You know I were you once. I started something with an end date in mind and I fell straight on my face in love. Yes it felt like you have no right to cry or to feel broken because you have set that date and you have brought it all on you. But these sadness and regrets all the more meant that you loved and gave your all. If you half-ass loved you would not be in this whole-ass pain.’

There is something I held back though and you will find it out along the way on your own.

Many times love never ends, even when that person has been long past.

I am fine, thank you.

Why such a simple question puzzled me so much?

How are you?

You are too important to me for a simple ‘I’m fine thank you’… Yet you are too detached from me for anything more than that.

It has been… one? two? thr… I got into the bad habit of keeping track of time as if… As if only I could make it to a certain number this could all be reversed, time would roll back to that sunny day and stop there. If only a unicorn were real…

So how have I been?

I have been working too hard, I have been loving my loved one too much, and I have been loving you still too stupidly…

So you see I am fine,

Thank you for checking in,

All the best,

Phunphun

To you

A friend posted beautiful pictures of London and naturally I soaked myself in memories. You know I was there only recently. That was, geographically, the closet place to you… That was, physically, the shortest distance between us, at least for a while now. Naturally you were with me this whole time, strolling along the Thames, dancing to the street violin tunes, standing at the prime meridian in awe of an invisible point of reference made visible by an agreement of people of the world (albeit the world seemed so small back then). How I fond of traveling the world with you, in the left side of my chest.

Time past and I am standing still with this love for you. Had it turned to obsession? I’m not sure… I only know that I think of you first thing when I got up, last thing when I go to bed and a few times in between.
I often want to write you and too often put it in verses scattering the net hoping you to find me like I did you that summer. It’s your turn now to find me. I couldn’t write to you, more like I couldnt send all this to you. Too often I hope to receive something more than pleasantries and most certainly I’ll get a simple ‘I’m fine, and you?’. I can’t blame you for not giving more yet I’m too greedy to want less.

You told me once to try meditation. I did not think it would help me erase these feelings and I still don’t. I seeked it out anyway. Though not at all skillful at it, I start to see it can help me, not to erase love, but to detach myself from it, at least so I can breathe.

I am blessed to have a life to be a distraction from thoughts of you, and cursed to have a life to be a distraction from you. Regrets come and go.
Love stays.

Hate

Piercing through me, monsoon of icicles
Your words
Deafening your senses,…
My silence
Against a wavering heart,
My hands… clench
Offer them, should I?
Should I?
Again?
Had I
An ounce of wisdom
Should run to where the sea meets the sky,
Where the sun meets the moon
Maybe then would I find
Where the heart meets the mind
Yet I stay
Covering tsunami with rippling waves
Throwing hopes at emotionless decay
Seeking a change that never be
Nor a change that never fade
Remnants of a thing that once was love
Butchered so much its ugliness exposed
And for that I cannot help but to
Hate
You
Truly