One of those days

Rain forgot us and love from Sun burns us alive. I wish I was somewhere else but then I would probably have some other complaints and also wish I would be somewhere else as well.

Living is tiring. Responsibilities are boring. Too many days I spent wondering. How to feel better? How to be better? How to love this pitiful self? Only to feel more cornered at the end of the day, more guilty of another day wasted.

But there is no way out. Tomorrow I’ll continue the pretense. I am strong.

One doesn’t get to choose being born.

Nor one gets to choose leaving life…

To lublu

When time is tough I think of you. You are always a safe place, an escape, at least in my mind. Then the challenge past and the next one comes. I’m running around in circle with a safe zone in the center. I could never reach the center but the thought of having a center keeps me running. I am not really sure what would happen if I stop running. Of course I will not reach the center if I stop, but it doesn’t get closer even if I don’t.

If the burden gets too much the body lets go. It seems I am very strong. I just keep going. I’m not sure if you are a burden or a needed dream. At times you brought the feeling of loss and then other times of loved. The completion of a part of life. At least I would die one day having tasted it all, love and loss.

In a parallel universe with different choices my life would have been very different. I’m sure I would also be happy with those choices as I am content now in this space. Probably would still curse at circumstances sometimes but in general accepting, choices and consequences circling around a beautiful dream.

I have always taught M everything I am not. Be courageous, be strong, be kind, be smart and be honest. I pretend to be all this all the time and it is getting harder and harder. But I cannot let go of this front. It protects me as much as it is killing me slowly. Every single day is a day to pretend.

I made a mistake of looking at old memories. I knew I shouldn’t but I did. You are the obsession that I can’t let go, even when I learn to accept and to move on. The truth is you have always been and still are my escape. Life is too hard. Your past love warms me and gives me comfort though it had been almost a lifetime away.

When time is rough I thought of you a whole lot more than the everyday dose. The me who needs comforts needs you. The me who needs an escape needs you. The yearning is unbearable but I must bear it.

Maybe I’ll send you an email. Maybe you’ve won a lottery and have a fabulous life and family and two hundred kids. But then I can’t. I just can’t, throw a rock at a peaceful water. I can’t uncover my own tsunami underneath.

Oh gosh I’ve awaken the kraken inside…

Have you left me, love? Are you gone?

Is this cold ember something used to be strong?

In this corpse where life once existed,

The last breath drained recounting when things went so wrong

Part of you, I want

All of me, I kept

Hidden away until

Both of us, I hurt

This blog slowly fall into the forgotten land. My feeling has gone cold and you have entirely left. Remnants of your face got buried in the pile of unfulfilled dreams, under some too-hard-to-achieve work stuff, compacted into a bullet point on … “maybe someday…” list.

As long as I didn’t pause long enough to think of you.

Rising from the deadest of the dead, hiding in all corners of the living you would always follow me… or maybe me you. A sight a smell a poke and … I’ll be engulfed.

If not 5 years maybe 10 maybe 20 can do the trick.

What can I write about then?

2022

1. Sleep before 10:30p

2. Family first

3. Work less but more effectively

Hmmm, I think I just broke the first resolution!

Rain

Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain

Telling me just what a fool I’ve been

I wish that it could go and bring you back to me

And let us be a whole again

Life

Thought I can fix

Everything with stitches

Yet I stood helpless

As Time keeps nibbing

Shoot for the moon

Because even if we fail, we would land among the starlink.

There are days I wish I could step aside from the world. Just stand on the sideline, watch what it would become, and judge its inhabitants yet at the same time seeing that the end comes as naturally as how the beginning started.

Was the big bang by chance or a certainty? Something so squeezed it has to explode. Is life by chance or a certainty? Something so dead it has to be alive? And then back to being dead.

There are days I feel guilty to be alive. One thing is born it takes away life from others. One human is born it takes away life from many others. And as human thrive they take away life.

There is always a justification. Survival. Protection. Knowledge. Efficiency. Improvement. Conservancy. Renewables. Self-expression. Procreation. Fear. Life.

And there is always a regret.

That always comes too late.