My call for help is not a scream

Is not a cry, is not a tear

It gets buried, it gets hidden

Behind the words

Kept unspoken



Words that I can’t say

Starting with I followed by love and the object is you

Words that you can’t reciprocate, or maybe you can, on the surface, if I ever said it first…

Yet we stayed

One foot in the other foot out

A shared love, a shared responsibility, a shared place

I watch you through the corner of my eyes wondering how much more you can take and how much more can I take.

You watch me through the corner of your eyes, blank look on your face.

Days go by and we stay

For this perfect love and for the words we will never say

Starting with I followed by love and the object is you

And I will keep wondering why

Que Sera Sera

‘… Fucking bitch… promiscuous psychopath…’

Words flowed out of your lips

And I

let you.

And I

sealed your lips with a kiss.

And I

made love to you.

And I

go home.

3am and I am still awake thinking

How would my mother feel if she knew these words you called me.


How would she feel if she knew that

I let you.


It’s been a while.

There is another you in line, laid out nicely, fine powder waiting to be had. And I did. I sniffed you in. Pleasure hit just as intense as the first time. Or the last time? It was hard to tell.

This is a different you in line. Different smell, different taste, but such familiar sensation and multiplied potency. The illusion of control fades as quickly as I watch you dissolving in my veins.

My body crawls for you. The craves roll like never ending waves and the darkness in between sinks deeper than a black hole.

I wished I had never tasted you. Too late for that and too fictional as well. You were my only escape. At least that was what I thought.

You defined me. And now somehow I must define this life without you.

I define me.

Ice cream

I am not missing you,

Eating ice cream at eleven fifty nine on a Saturday night

Why did I not like this velvet taste before? The frozen smoothness wrapped me in your coziness, imagined, once again.

I am not missing you,

Watching slivers of autumn falling on the ground, pathetic yellow street lights pretended to be the golden sun. Funny that my heart looked just as tough as that concrete, full of cracks and crumbs.

You used to be here

I could sniff you from this dry air, your damp hair became this city scent even when you are long gone. the scent that pushed people away, yet drew me in.

I forgot how you were

No one could have reminded me. No one could come close, as close to me as you could, or so I imagined, because I forgot.

Forgetting you was easy. Recreate what was forgotten, then, is impossible, and so why am I even trying?

Of course I don’t remember how you look.

Same old beard, same old gray eyes, same old slender build, same old comfort any teddy bear could have brought to me.

I am not missing you

Until this ice cream is no more

And I am back to my youless life

Where I don’t like ice-cream anyway.


You sent a text I did not read

Holding my fort down I hit delete

It will surely slip your mind, this unread message

Sorry, I have past the point of being in need

Of your attention, your care, your well-meaning pity deeds

This scar would stay wrinkly ugly and ache a mighty bit

But no more for you it would bleed

A last mental hug and a last mental kiss

And a last best wish I slipped through this slit

Colored silver, shaped crescent, hung up high on the velvet sky


In peace


You are running a marathon that we were supposed to run together.

I thought I had no more tears, yet in this deep hour of the night they kept on flowing. I wonder if you are happy. I suppose you are. I hope you are, so these tears are not for vain.

I am running a marathon in my own mind. I imagine your face, sweaty hair strands dancing in October breezes. I imagine running with you. I imagine you would be faster yet would wait for me anyway, but then my damn bathroom break messed up everything and we got lost from each other. You know what’s worse? That you got the key to our locker that held our phones and all belongings! I imagine we finished the run with you ahead of me exactly the same amount of time as my bathroom break (ha! you were as fast as me)! Somehow we managed to find each other in this crowd of thousands of people wearing the same marathon shirt, without phone, without maps, only a telepathy of two hearts searching for each other. I imagine we jumped for joy and relief, and of course bear hugs. I imagine we kissed and posed for a million pictures. I imagine all the pain we felt at the finish line and our utmost disappointment seeing stairs and the lament we would make sitting down and standing up on busses and trains and the whole awkward limping walk back to our hotel. We would be too tired to pig out on pelmeni so I imagine we would cuddle and fall quickly into a peaceful sleep. I imagine we woke up together, had another round of ‘ouch ouch’ funny faces and then we would go home together.

I imagine we were together.

A wild imagination don’t you think?